The New Year is fast approaching, and I greet it, as I have done for years, with a hopeful heart. This year, I am even more hopeful than years gone by. I know that might sound odd – I lost half of my heart in 2017 and that’s not an easy thing to get through. But the half of my heart that remains is starting to realize that Warren, my Bear, would have done anything to have one more day.
So while I still mourn for him, I am starting to feel gratitude for a few things:
Gratitude that I had that time with him.
Gratitude that I am still here.
Gratitude that I had the opportunity to learn from this experience; to feel that incredible joy that comes from being loved unconditionally and exactly as you are.
I learned that I am a pretty neat person. I’m strong; I’m capable of taking on the most difficult thing and still coming out the other side. I’m not going to say I managed to do this unscathed, my heart is still only half a heart. But I am able to look at life and sort of smile again. Despite his death, and honestly maybe because of it, I am grateful for the gift that each and every day is right now.
I like who I am.
I have flaws – we all have flaws. There are people I don’t spend my time with because it doesn’t seem like a good way to spend my precious days. But most people amaze me. We are each a giant ball of imperfections and quirks, but most of us don’t want anything but to be loved for who we are. How can that not be the most heart warming and hopeful thing?
I love my little house. I love my little dog. I wish Warren was here with me, but he is in spirit. And I accept that too. I find myself reaching out in a way I hadn’t before – accepting people as they are, living my life the way I want to live it. Dropping the notion that there is one way and one way only to live.
Do I have goals for 2018?
I do. But I have learned to live in WST (Warren Standard Time) and know that while I have things I want to get accomplished, I do not need to attach them to a timeline. As my Bear used to tell me
‘Things do not have pesky labels in WST – they happen when they happen. It’s far less stressful’
He is so right about that.
I want to travel more in 2018. I’m talking with my kids about taking a trip somewhere together. We’ve tossed about driving to the maritimes, or going south to Salem to visit the Witch Museum (my people!), and maybe taking a trip at Christmas next year – head somewhere warm!
I am going to go to Cuba in June with my niece and her husband. Warren and I had talked about going to Cuba. So this seems like the right place to go first.
I need to get to Oregon! I have a cousin who is waiting very patiently for me to visit!
And I’m going to write more. I have set up a beautiful little writing space in my house (I’m in it right now!) and the sun streams in through the sliding doors to the deck – makes it seem like it’s not -11c right now. Chester is curled in his pup-cup at my feet. It’s a cozy space for both of us. I need a rug and a better chair, but I love it already!
And those are my goals. No burden of weight loss, self improvement, stopping this habit, starting that habit. Gentle self acceptance and an enriching of the life I’ve been granted – That is my goal for 2018.
I would LOVE to hear what you are thinking of doing this year…
‘We’ve got a full tank of gas, sunglasses, and half a pack of cigarettes!’
On to the next adventure!
Still missing you, my Bear.