Grieving is hard and exhausting.
It’s difficult not to see the sad faces reflected from my own – the sympathetic sadness. I hate thinking this is how I’m making others feel, but the idea of isolating myself so they don’t have to watch me grieve just doesn’t appeal to me. I’m in a want-company-but-don’t-talk-to-me kind of place. But also: talk to me, I need the distraction. So how the hell do I explain this to the people in my life?
I have been surfing the emotions as they come – sometimes I see it coming and navigate the Sad wave and manage to stay on the board. Other times I get knocked off by a rogue Sad wave or encounter a memory shark in the emotional waters. So far when this happens I haven’t sunk – I just flounder a bit till I find the board and throw myself across it, waiting till the emotional waters calm enough for me to regain my equilibrium.
It’s not fun.
I want to tell the people in my life that I’m sorry I’m so unpredictable right now, but I know they understand. Which is also kind of hard. I don’t want to be this person – I don’t want to be sad and angry. I don’t like how I feel right now – such a contrast from the happiness we had 3 weeks ago.
I miss him, oh my god, I miss him. I think about the fun we had and how good we were together – how much I could make him laugh and how dear that face was to me. He looked at me like no one has ever looked at me before, with so much love, respect, admiration. I miss his friendship. The long talks. Holding his hand and knowing there was nowhere else either one of us wanted to be.
He said to me once that he hoped he died first so that he wouldn’t have to live a day without me again. At the time I shook my head and asked him why he thought it would be better for ME to have to be the one left behind. He told me he knew he couldn’t handle being that sad and lonely. I am glad that he got his wish: this yawning sadness isn’t something I would have wanted him to experience.
The writer in me feels like I should probably say something stoic and uplifting to close this out… but I’m not going to. I just don’t have it in me right now.